


But It Was Not Your Fault But Mine

by rightonthelimit



Series: Kurt/Blaine Drabble Collection [33]
Category: Glee
Genre: Headcanon, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-07
Updated: 2013-02-07
Packaged: 2017-11-28 12:36:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/674457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rightonthelimit/pseuds/rightonthelimit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After their Christmas dinner, Kurt and Blaine have a heart-to-heart and discuss the things that have been going on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But It Was Not Your Fault But Mine

**A/N: Please do not repost, recreate or translate.**

**But It Was Not Your Fault But Mine**

‘So… You and my dad made a bet, huh,’ Kurt mumbled in a soft tone to keep from his dad overhearing.  He kept his eyes firmly focused on the plates he was scrubbing, his shoulders tense and his lips pressed into a tight line.

Blaine paused from where he’d been drying a knife, glancing at Kurt from the corner of his eye. Kurt steadily kept avoiding his gaze, his heart a heavy clump of lead in his chest. Burt was dozing on the couch – his hand was slipping on the remote control, his NYADA cap resting on Kurt’s coffee table. Every now and then Burt would blink his eyes open but that was happening less and less frequently. It’s been a long, tiring couple of days after all.

‘Is that okay?’ Blaine asked in a voice soft enough to match Kurt’s. Kurt shrugged and cleaned the final dishes, grabbing the dish rag from Blaine’s grip to dry his hands and walking over to the kitchen table, where he gestured to a chair for Blaine to sit next to him.

Blaine paused and glanced at Burt again. His eyes were no longer open – he had fallen asleep, after all.

Kurt still wasn’t looking at Blaine, not even when Blaine sat down next to him and turned to bodily face Kurt, his hands twirling an unused napkin in between his fingers. Blaine didn’t want to be the first to talk, not yet. He knew how Kurt could be when he was vulnerable like this.

There was a brief moment of panic where Blaine worried whether he’d been too bold to just accept Burt’s invitation that easily.

‘Everything feels like it used to be. You’re here, we had a nice day and sang a flirty duet, we celebrated Christmas together…’ Kurt trailed off, and then his expression grew pained. Blaine reached out and squeezed Kurt’s hand before he even knew it and Kurt swallowed, lowering his eyes to the table top and shrugging.

‘Yet everything is so far from okay,’ Kurt lamely added. He seemed at a loss for words and Blaine nodded quietly. He understood. He knew that part of the reason Burt had invited him, was because Kurt wouldn’t be able to take this news lightly. Kurt needed a friend.

Kurt needed his family and half of it was here, just for him.

Blaine didn’t want to force Kurt into talking. Kurt wasn’t the kind of person who liked talking about his feelings or who thought it was easy to – Blaine was the one who always wore his heart on his sleeve. Kurt wasn’t secretive, he just lived his life internally, in his head. Part of their issues used to be that Kurt thought that Blaine instantly knew all the things he thought when Blaine really didn’t.

But Blaine was doing better. Blaine knew all the little things that gave Kurt away, now.

Kurt wasn’t avoiding his eyes because he was trying to distance himself from Blaine. He’d be cold to Blaine, if that were the case – he’d be physically avoiding Blaine. But he wasn’t.

He was overwhelmed and everything was just too much right now. The bittersweetness of having Blaine here, knowing Burt was ill, memories of his mom undoubtedly reoccurring to him…

‘He’ll make it, Kurt,’ Blaine finally said because the silence became too much even for him, and watching Kurt suffer never had been something Blaine had wanted to be part of, not if he could help it, ‘your father is a strong man. Just… Please let a doctor examine you too, okay? These things run in the family, and –’

‘I’m too scared,’ Kurt admitted with a bitter laugh. ‘I don’t want him to die and I don’t want to be sick. I want him to… To at least be there. To see the things mom never did. To see me perform and be proud of me and get  _married,_ I want him to be there for me.’

Something about that made Blaine’s chest tighten and he tore his eyes off Kurt, his hand gripping Kurt’s tighter. It was selfish, Blaine knew it, but Blaine… he didn’t think he could bear seeing Kurt with anyone else. Even if they were over right now.

Blaine was struck by his own stupidity once more, and then the immense gratitude at still being allowed to be a part of this wonderful, amazing family when his own didn’t care much about him.

‘I’ll go with you,’ Blaine offered and Kurt finally,  _finally_ looked at him. Blaine swallowed thickly, his eyes flicking to Kurt’s lips without intent, his arms feeling useless whenever they weren’t holding Kurt. He wanted to comfort him, but he couldn’t, not in the way he knew best, not in the way he used to before they were together. Everything was so heavy, fear of losing Kurt again settled deep inside of Blaine’s heart and waiting to go off like a loaded gun.

‘You would,’ Kurt acknowledged. They both knew Blaine would go to hell and back if Kurt would ask him to.

Anything for Kurt.

‘I would,’ Blaine agreed. ‘I’m going with Burt to all of his doctor’s appointments too. So he doesn’t have to do this alone.’

Kurt licked his lips and studied their joined hands, a small sigh escaping his lips.

‘When we broke up… I felt the same fear. The fear of losing someone I couldn’t picture life without. You’re here – we’re talking, but only now I’m realizing that things like this change everything for good. We are different. People change and I’m afraid of what this is going to do to me, as a person,’ Kurt admitted. Blaine didn’t reply. He didn’t know if he could.

‘I really thought you were going to kiss me when we went ice-skating,’ Kurt added, ‘when you looked at me like that I felt myself falling in love with you all over again. But you didn’t kiss me even though I would’ve let you and I’m not sure if that hurts or if it was for the best.’

‘I wanted to kiss you, but I’m afraid of risking what we have now. it feels like I’m walking on eggshells,’ Blaine managed to bring out. Kurt looked at him again and he looked so tired. He looked old even if his skin was youthful and his hair was still the same soft shade of light brown. Blaine missed touching it and counting the freckles on Kurt’s skin during the summer, he missed falling asleep with Kurt when they got too comfy cuddling, kissing Kurt, holding him and making love to him. he missed everything that had made them essentially  _them._

But for as much as it had enriched Blaine’s life, it still wasn’t worth losing Kurt as a person over.

Because Kurt was everything to Blaine.

‘It’s not normal to feel this way about your best friend,’ Kurt stated and Blaine wasn’t sure if Kurt was berating him or if he was admitting he felt the same. ‘It’s not  _fair._ ’

‘No, it’s not. But life never was fair to us, Kurt, and perhaps that’s the most difficult thing to accept.’

Kurt shook his head.

‘What’s most difficult to accept is that even though my stupid heart won’t stop loving you, my head keeps getting in the way. The way I lived for you wasn’t healthy. The first weeks after our break up I kept taking sleeping pills because I couldn’t sleep at night, and all I thought of was that that night shouldn’t have ended that way.’

‘Kurt, I’m so sorr-’

‘No, save it. I forgave you. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, I’m trying to explain my point of view. What I’m saying is that I didn’t saw us as two different persons. I saw us as puzzle pieces fitting together. I didn’t acknowledge that you had a mind of your own, that you needed different things than I needed. Because I was okay with calling you once every few days, and canceling things wasn’t a big deal to me because I  _knew_ you loved me. You just didn’t know if it would last. We were both wrong.’

‘I didn’t sleep with him,’ Blaine said out of all the things he could’ve said. Kurt frowned and opened his mouth to speak, but Blaine was quick to continue, quick to share this with him. ‘I didn’t go all the way. He tried – I tried, too, Kurt. But it was wrong. I thought that since you were moving on with your life, I should, too. I thought that it was just natural process… but I knew it after the first kiss, that we were meant to be. I’m not going to say we  _just_ made out because just thinking about being with someone else is cheating in my opinion, but I will say that I don’t respect myself. Not in the way you do.’

There was a pause, a heartbeat in which Blaine thought he went too far. He couldn’t imagine what went on inside of Kurt’s mind right now, emotions flickering in his ex’s pretty eyes in a way that made Blaine’s stomach feel funny. Burt knew it, Blaine knew it and secretly Kurt knew it too – they were soulmates.

Blaine would give Kurt his space. He would allow Kurt to even date other guys, if Kurt would feel the need to. He just knew in his heart that no matter what path Kurt would chose, it would lead back to Blaine.

They were it, for each other. And everything, from the tightening of Kurt’s lips to the emotion in his eyes gave it away. He loved Blaine and feelings like this would never fade.

‘I’m really glad you have my dad, now,’ Kurt sighed and this confused Blaine. Kurt shrugged. ‘You never had a father figure, Blaine. No one ever taught you these things, you never had the chance to see what a real loving relationship should be like. It doesn’t hurt any less or make it more okay, but… it makes sense. It’s just hard. I’m terrified this is my last Christmas with him, and you being here doesn’t make things easier.’

Blaine shook his head.

‘I shouldn’t have done it.’

‘No, you shouldn’t yet you did, but Blaine – you’re here now. You’re trying to make things right and you’re doing things for me no one ever even thought about. You’re not a bad person.’ Blaine released a hitched, sob-like noise and blinked furiously to try to get rid of the tears welling up in his eyes. It meant the world to him to hear this coming from Kurt and he shuddered when Kurt leaned forward and brushed the tears off his cheeks with his thumbs.

‘Now you’re making me cry, too,’ Kurt said with a humorless laugh. Blaine tried to apologize but all he could manage was another sob, not even thinking twice when Kurt got up to hold him and clinging to Kurt like he was his last life line.

‘We’ve got issues, sweetheart,’ Kurt murmured, soft enough for only  Blaine to hear, ‘but we’ll work on them. I love you too much to let you go, you stupid, beautiful person.’

‘I-I love you too, Kurt, so much,’ Blaine choked out, ‘I promise – I’ll take care of your dad when Carole’s at work, I’ll make him call you after his appointments, and if you want I’ll, I’ll keep calling you every night too to ask you about your day. I’m so happy we’re talking again. It means everything to me.’

‘Sshh, it’s okay. I’ve got you, Blaine,’ Kurt simply said because it wasn’t that Kurt didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

It was just that words couldn’t describe how much it meant right now to have this stupid, wonderful boy in his arms right now and know that he would always be able to rely on Blaine.


End file.
